I have a habit that I am fully aware makes absolutely no sense.
Every time I come home from the grocery store, I decide that I am going to carry every single bag into the house in one trip.
It doesn’t matter how many bags there are. I could have a perfectly reasonable option to make multiple trips, but somehow, every time, I convince myself that I can do it all at once.
Even my husband has pointed out, on more than one occasion, that this is probably not my best idea. And while I know he’s right, that has yet to stop me.
But here’s the thing. As ridiculous as I know this is, there is something deeply gratifying about making it inside in one trip. A small, completely unnecessary victory that somehow makes the whole ordeal feel worth it.But here’s the thing. As ridiculous as I know this is, there is something deeply gratifying about making it inside in one trip. A small, completely unnecessary victory that somehow makes the whole ordeal feel worth it.
And that’s exactly why I keep doing it. After all, who wants to make another trip to the car when you’ve already managed to carry everything inside?
Now, this is obviously a relatively harmless example. But it illustrates something I see often in my work as a psychotherapist: Knowing that a behavior isn’t serving us doesn’t necessarily make it easy to stop. Especially when that behavior still feels rewarding or seems to offer us something useful in the moment.
Of course, sometimes the patterns we repeat are far more consequential than carrying too many grocery bags.
Maybe you’ve found yourself repeating a pattern that’s causing real pain in your life. And perhaps what’s most frustrating is that you’re someone who is thoughtful, self-aware, and capable of managing a lot. You can recognize your patterns, explain where they come from, and even tell someone else exactly what you should be doing differently.
Yet when it comes to certain emotions, relationships, or behaviors, that understanding doesn’t always seem to translate into change.
And that’s where things can get particularly frustrating.
If we know something isn’t working, why do we keep doing it?
Here’s what’s interesting about the patterns we repeat: sometimes we know perfectly well that a behavior isn’t helping us, but there’s still something about it that feels rewarding.
Even when something isn’t good for us in the long run, it may still be giving us something we want or need in the moment.
Avoiding a difficult conversation might bring immediate relief, even if the unresolved tension continues to grow. Reaching for alcohol after a stressful day might help us unwind, even when we’ve started questioning that habit.
Sometimes a behavior helps us feel better, more comfortable, or more in control, at least temporarily.
When a behavior gives us something rewarding– whether that’s pleasure, comfort, or relief from an uncomfortable feeling– we’re more likely to return to it when a similar situation arises.
And here’s what makes this tricky: When strong emotions are involved, our brains can become much more focused on what will help us feel better right now than on what might happen later.
In those moments, immediate relief or gratification can outweigh the longer-term consequences, even when we know those consequences aren’t particularly good for us.
And that’s part of what makes these patterns so difficult to break.
But If I Understand the Pattern and the Reward, Why Can’t I Just Stop?
The problem is that understanding a behavior doesn’t automatically change the emotional responses, habits, or experiences that keep it going.
Think about the difference between reflecting on an argument after it’s over and actually being in the middle of one.
When you’re calm, you might recognize that you became defensive, jumped to conclusions, or said something you didn’t mean. You can see how the conversation could have gone differently and promise yourself you’ll handle it better next time.
But when another disagreement happens, emotions rise quickly. You feel criticized, misunderstood, or rejected. Before you’ve had time to think, you’re reacting in the same familiar way.
It’s not necessarily that you’ve forgotten what you learned. It’s that knowing what to do when you’re calm is very different from being able to do it when you’re overwhelmed.
And sometimes, there are additional layers making change more complicated.
Something I’ve seen repeatedly in my clinical work is that people often put tremendous effort into changing a behavior without fully understanding what’s keeping it going.
And sometimes, the behavior they’ve been working so hard to change is only one piece of a much larger picture.
For example, someone struggling to change their relationship with alcohol may also be dealing with anxiety, past trauma, or difficulty managing overwhelming emotions. Focusing exclusively on the drinking may leave other important factors unaddressed.
Similarly, someone who becomes intensely upset during disagreements may be navigating anxiety, previous relationship experiences, or difficulties regulating emotions that make those moments particularly challenging.
Processing all these other pieces of the puzzle is what makes a meaningful difference in how we approach change.
That’s why telling yourself to “just stop,” “think positively,” or “make better choices” often isn’t particularly helpful.
You may already know what you want to do differently.
The harder part is understanding what’s getting in the way and learning how to respond differently when it actually matters.
Sometimes, the question isn’t simply, How do I stop doing this?
It’s, What am I missing about why this keeps happening?
And when several concerns are contributing to a pattern, understanding how they fit together can be an important part of creating lasting change.
A Little More to Explore: Books Worth Reading
If you’re curious about why our brains hold on to certain habits (even when we’d really prefer they didn’t), this book offers a fascinating look at the psychology and neuroscience behind the patterns we repeat.
The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer, MD, PhD
Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Judson Brewer explores how our brains learn to repeat behaviors that bring pleasure, comfort, or temporary relief.
I particularly like how this book connects the neuroscience of habit formation with the psychological and emotional experiences that drive our behavior. It’s a fascinating look at why knowing better doesn’t always mean doing better.
Keep Exploring
Sometimes the patterns we struggle with are connected to other challenges. These topics may help you understand what could be contributing to certain behaviors:
- Addiction & Recovery Therapy — Why we return to substances or behaviors that provide temporary relief, even when they’re creating problems in our lives.
- Anxiety & OCD Therapy — How anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and the need for reassurance or certainty can reinforce difficult patterns.
- Trauma & PTSD Therapy — How past experiences may influence emotional responses, relationship patterns, and coping behaviors.
- Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy — Understanding intense emotions, relationship patterns, and the challenges of responding differently when feelings become overwhelming.
What If There’s More to the Pattern?
Sometimes, recognizing a pattern and making a few intentional changes is enough to help us move forward. Other times, despite our best efforts, we find ourselves getting stuck.
Maybe you’ve spent years trying to understand yourself. You’ve read the books, tried different strategies, or even been in therapy before. You know what you want to change, but putting it into practice continues to feel out of reach.
That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to try harder. It may mean there’s something important about the pattern you haven’t fully understood yet.
Perhaps a behavior that once helped you cope is no longer serving you. Perhaps the emotions driving your reactions feel too intense to manage differently in the moment. Or perhaps what looks like one problem is actually connected to several others.
Whatever the circumstances, lasting change often begins with looking beyond the behavior itself and becoming curious about what keeps it going.
And sometimes, having support in understanding those connections and learning new ways of responding can make all the difference.
Insight can help us understand where a pattern comes from. What we do with that understanding is where change begins.